Steel Bill's Page

Thought this would bring you a chuckle or two! JOKE
>
>
> This one is too good not to pass on, but not for the faint of heart.
>
> All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
> easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
> now...the wax. Read on.........
>
> My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,

> play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully

> in my mind for the next few hours: ' Maybe should pull the waxing
> kit out Of the medicine cabinet.'
>
> So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
> those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub
> the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
> apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the

> hair Right off.
>
> No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but
> I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
>
> So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
> other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
> kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
> ('Cold wax,' yeah...right! ) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
> the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
>
> OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
> this!
>
> Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
> wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extra ordinaries.
>
> With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
&g t; sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
> championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
>
> Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right
> side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and
> stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

> I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!!
> Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I
> notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!
> Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
>
> I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... must stay conscious.

> Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
>
> I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
>& nbsp; caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to

> revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
> strip.
>
> There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
>
> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
> the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!! I touch.

> I am touching wax.
>
> I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
> now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
> mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know
> I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
>
> Sealed shut!! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!!
>
> I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
> and think to myself 'Pl ease don't let me get the urge to poop. My
> head may pop off!'!!! What can I do to melt the wax?
>
> Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
> stand, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the
> wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
>
> *WRONG!!!!!!!*
>
> I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
> torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
>
> Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
> together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom

> of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt
> cold wax.
>
> So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
> myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a
> few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
>
> I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
> secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
> starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of
> the tub!'
>
> There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
> removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
> know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or
> hole or hoo-ha?'
>
> She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
> rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
>
> YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
> While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
> the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have
> your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub

> in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now
> the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
> pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for
> this event.
>
> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
> grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do
> I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
> GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens
out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
>
>
> 'IT WORKS!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
> hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then
> notice t o my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE....... ALL

> OF IT!
>
> So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
> I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
>
> Next week I'm going to try hair color.......

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